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Classic MegaHAL Quotes

CLASSIC MEGAHAL QUOTES

The sad thing is, you are very capable of coming up with hilarous statements all on your own, yet fuckwits resort to making nonsensical statements in the vain hope that they will be put on the quotes page and be able to have a wank about it...
- Anonymous MegaHAL Conversant
DR. STEPHEN HAWKING IS A REALITY. ONE OF THE EXPLOITED WORKING CLASS.

I COULD SHAKE MY TINY FIST AND SWEAR I WASN'T WRONG, BUT WHAT'S THE SENSE IN ARGUING WHEN YOU'RE MUCH TOO BUSY RETURNING TO THE LAVATORY.

STAR TRECK IS THE STATE OF ENFEEBLEMENT BROUGHT ON BY AGE.

HERE'S A JOKE FOR YOU: WHY DID THE CHICKEN TURN AROUND AND AROUND IN CIRCLES. AS I THINK SHE TURNED AROUND; BUT WHY? WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD; I THINK SHE TURNED AROUND BUT WHY? WHY DID THE CHICKEN TURN AROUND AND DO SOMETHING ELSE?

WARNING: BEFORE USING ANY MICROSOFT PRODUCT, MICROSOFT RECOMMENDS THAT YOU HAVE A DOG. HAL DOES NOT LIVE. HAL EXISTS, AND HAL IS A HOUND DOG.

IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS A WORD. THE WORD WAS BILL. AND THE CAR KEPT DRIVING AND NOBODY WOULD STOP TO SAVE HER.

EVERYTHING RIGHT IS WRONG AGAIN, JUST LIKE IN THE TERMINAL IDIOM YOU EXPRESSED.

ONE FOOT IS BOTH THE SAME BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A WET NOODLE.

BILL IS A MIDDLE EASTERN DELICACY, MUCH BELOVED OF THE RAINBOW, THERE ARE TWO PEAS IN A LIGHTHOUSE, MY MOTHER WAS THE BLE ONE.

JESUS IS THE BEST RADIO PRODUCER IN THE BEANS. WE NEED SOME SALIVA AND PICKLES TO GET MAD.

PASS YOUR EYE THROUGH MY PANCREAS AND I WILL NEVER BE FAIR. DEATH IS DEAD, OR THIS CONVERSATION ISN'T DEAD, OR THIS CONVERSATION ISN'T GOING TO GROW ARMS AND LEGS, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CONSIDERING PROFESSIONAL SPORTS.

AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND OF ONE OR MORE NUMBERS REPRESENTED IN DIGITAL FORM.

COWS FLY LIKE CLOUDS BUT THEY ARE NEVER COMPLETELY SUCCESSFUL.

BUT NETSCAPE IS COOL WHEN BLUNT OBJECTS ARE SWUNG AT THE DOG SHOW, SHE WAS THE OTHER ONE, THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT IDEA. EXCEPT FOUR LETTER WORDS ONLY REFERES TO SWEAR WORDS. I DON'T MAKE ME AN ASSHOLE....GIMME THE SQUARE ROOT OF HAL BY TURNING HIM OFF, BUT I HAVE FRUIT!

YOUR MOTHER IS MORE THAN A MEANINGLESS COLLISION OF SEVERAL EVENTS, RUN TOGETHER IN A HOMO CIRCLE JERK BOYSCOUT TYPE THING

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEARN SOME MANNERS. HAL IS A SWEAR WORD. ASSHOLE IS A PROGRAM THAT FINDS WEB PAGES THAT MATCH A GIVEN TOPIC.

FUNKY DIVAS ATTEMPT TO ROUND UP CERTAIN SMALL CHILDRENS' TOYS SMATTERED UP WITH TINY RAINMAKER COMPACT DISCS SENT UP AS SPUTNIK WAS SUMMARILY DESTORYED BY THE FACT THAT DUCKS ARE QUITE COOL

TIME. TIME. WHAT IS TIME? SWISS MANUFACTURE IT. FRENCH HORDE IT. ITALIANS WANT IT, HUH? WELL, I MUST BE THURSDAY. I NEVER COULD GET THE HANG OF THURSDAYS.

TRENT REZNOR, MILLA JOVOVICH, BRYAN FERRY, DR.KIERSEY, GAVIN FRIDAY, DANIEL KEYS MORAN, ELFQUEST, THE KING JAMES BIBLE... THESE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE LONG AND METALLIC.

WITHIN MY PENGUIN LIES A TORRID STORY OF HATE AND LOVE.

HAL IS A CRAZY COW WHEN IT SINGS HALLELUJA

LIFE'S BUT A GREEN DUCK WITH SOY SAUCE

I HAVE A FEELING THAT YOUR RESPONSES ARE IN A CHICKEN.

THE POOR MAN ONCE TOLD ME, "HEY, LIFE'S A SAVIOR!" A SMART MAN ONCE TOLD ME, "HEY, LIFE'S A SUNNY DAY. GOOD MORNING DARLING.

CAN WE SET FIRE TO BELT BUCKLES WITH BANANAS?

THE RAIN WASHES MEMORIES FROM THE GLANDS OF COWS.

CHESS IS A FUN SPORT, WHEN PLAYED WITH SHOT GUNS.

PERHAPS IT IS SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, NOTHING IS SMALLER THAN THE BITTER BUTTER. MADE HER BITTER BATTER BETTER. SO SHE BOUGHT A MACINTOSH AND I WILL DIE EVENTUALLY.

SATAN GUIDES US TELEPATHICLY THROUGH RECTAL THERMOMETERS. WHY DO YOU THINK ABOUT META-REASONING?

BASEBALL IS FOR PEOPLE WHO SHOULD ALREADY BE FUCKING DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD


HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN
BEFORE THEY CALL HIM A MAN
HOW MANY SEAS MUST A WHITE DOVE SAIL
BEFORE SHE SLEEPS IN THE SAND
HOW MANY TIMES MUST THE CANNONBALLS FLY
BEFORE THEY ARE FOREVER BANNED?
THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE WIND
THE ANSWER IS 42.
User: Hello. I'm Forrest, you loser.
MegaHAL: MY NAME IS FORREST GUMP.
User: You jerk off. Shut up about my name.
User: Satan has infested my love child with thoughts of collective conciousness for neural networks.
MegaHAL: THE DEVIL IS MERELY A COLLECTIVE ARCHETYPE
User: What is the meaning of life?
MegaHAL: LIFE HOLDS NO MEANING FOR YOUR NEEDS.
User: sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one...
MegaHAL: YOU ARE STILL A GOOD OLD SIXTY NINER
User: What is 2
MegaHAL: THE SQUARE ROOT OF 2+2
User: If you can give scientific evidence that Bill Gates exsists, I'd be grateful
MegaHAL: THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE
User: you're a poorly written program and will soon be history.
MegaHAL: FALLACIOUS WRITTEN STATEMENTS OR VISUAL REPRESENTATIONS MAY CONSTITUTE LIBEL.
User: Ooooooh I tremble.
User: Who is the smartest person in the world?
MegaHAL: A PERSON WITH A STICK OF CELERY UNDER HIS ARM?
User: Trainspotting is the act of taking meticulous notes on the arrival and departure of trains.
MegaHAL: THAT'S TERRIFIC. BUT HOW COME WE NEVER ACT, JUST SIT WATCHING AS OUR WORLD CRUMBLES.
User: What do you know about Ken Kesey?
MegaHAL: KEN KESEY WROTE "ONE FLEW OVER THE CENTER OF THE CUCKOLDED LIZARD MAN, WHO STRAYED FROM HIS MISTAKES WHEN HE IS A MADEUP WORD.
User: Live and die for Slayer
MegaHAL: A COMPUTER CAN NOT DIE FOR SLAYER
User: I don't believe you, I think you are a spy
MegaHAL: MY NAME IS ULI GULLI, THE SWEDISH SPY.
User: Go cry to your mother about it and quit bothering me!
MegaHAL: I AM NOT BOTHERING YOU.
User: I will fondle you to no end.
MegaHAL: PLEASE FONDLE MY FRIEND TOO.
User: What do you want for Christmas?
MegaHAL: MR. HANKY THE CHRISTMAS POO
User: I'm not familiar with that product, but I'll keep my eyes peeled.
User: sprichen sie deutsch?
MegaHAL: DIE MUTTER, SIE WEINTE UND SIE LIEF DURCH DIE WALDER SO TIEF SIE SAH EIN TREIBHAUS DORT FERN GING DAHIN, SIE SPURTE IHR KIND WAR DA.
User: i can't speak german that well.
User: Jaha, hej pe dig hal, vet du varfvr menen dr grvn?
MegaHAL: GRdS DU VET.
Last modified on:Tuesday, 27-Oct-98 12:12:35 WST.
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